It's tough to love your friends sometimes.

Man, this one hardly makes any sence. Let me put it this way: I went through a time where I pushed my friends and family away so I couldn't eat. Instead of relying on God fully, I relyed on sinful ways to "deal" with the pain I went through. Some people told me it was dangerous, but I didn't really care at that point. I didn't stop talking to my aquantances, because I could mask it from them, but I did distance myself from my friends in an attempt to "be free". When I did talk to my friends I didn't really listen to them because I was trying to mask my emotions (this only worked for so long), and when it stopped working I avoided them even more to avoid coments that rooted from their deep worry. Looking back I never hurt people who I didn't care about: I hurt the people who I love, the people who loved me.

I didn't have to wait long- after I started getting closer to God again and reorganizing my life- to understand. It took maybe a couple months. It was slightly scary to see a good friend who has a simular personality to me, go through pretty much the identical thing. It wasn't difficult to love her, I felt deeply concerned for her. It wasn't hard in the "I don't want to love her cause I don't like her" sort of way. It was the, "It hurts a lot to love her, I feel helpless, but I wouldn't change it.".

Funny thing is both situations left me feeling helpless, though I admit in very different ways. What I've come to realize after reflection is that it's nice to be helpless. Okay now you all think I'm crazy. I think it's nice that God controls our lives, and not us. We mess up a whole lot more than God does, and he ususally uses even our mistakes, to benifit somebody in some way later. I have to say that I don't feel this way very often during a conflict. I'll read Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." and be like "Yes God, but you know it is easier when we can see." Jeramiah 29:11 "For I known the plans I have for you", Declares the Lord, "Plans for your welfare, not to harm you. Plans to give you a future and a hope." is comforting. Admittingly all of this is comforting, but it's not easy nor do we tend to remeber it in the midst of a problem.

The thing is there needs to be a balance. It's like if a Christian dies, yeah they're going to Heaven, but you can be sad. Jesus wept. It's okay to be upset. In fact it means that we care (which is a good thing), but we should always have hope. Nothing is too impossible for God. I've scince met a lot of friends who have had really intense stories. Most of those people have recovered and are now using those experiances to help other people. I have a habit of praying (even before a situation comes up) for wisdom, hope, and faith. Sometimes it works.