Accountability (and my view on arranged marriages)

Okay i used to be dead set on the idea of arranged marraiges being bad (and I am not saying they are the only way, but i do realize they have pros and cons now just like the western dating system) ....further more i thought it was totally unessicary to be accountable for your relationships...to trust VERY seclect other people more than yourself. but here's a few things we need to realize:

1) first of all dating relationships totally blind us (and we are blind to our own sin already). I want to be a missionary one day, but i've liked guys who have no interest in being a missionary. I often say "But....but....it'll work out...we'll figure it out and one day it'd be so cool...maybe we could figure it out and go half time...half the time in canada, half in a country". There have totally been moments where if one asked me out, I'd probably would have said yes. FYI Christy....If i want to be in India, Romania, Zambia or other places and he wants to live in Canada....well guess what...we're not going to have a happy marraige...further more compromising on the calling i feel God has given me is totally wrong. But i'd justify it... "No no, it'll totally work out.. wouldn't it be great if we ended up together". I see so many people i've closely known make this mistake: they justify what dosen't make sense (and I do this all the time) because they are not objective enough. They want to be blind to the truth because it makes them feel right and happy and they want it to work out. But we need someone who knows us, knows our strengths and weaknesses and life goals, has great ethics and someone who we trust to say "um...actually, your relationship isn't good because of this and this." If my parents were to give me an arranged marraige, i think they would choose a better person than i would choose for myself. Because they are more objective, less blind to things, and could see things that go beyond fleeting feelings and infactuation. but if we don't go for arranged marraiges, we must have people holding us accountable or we will be most likely very blind to obvious warning signs. This is true in most things in life. We don't see our own shortcomings. That's why the Bible says in Ephesians 4:25 "therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbour, for we are members of one another".

2) Physical stuff (before i begin, for nonChristians there are still reasons to wait....i've heard non christians who have gotten married and wished they had saved themselves for someone who really mattered, and divorce rates are lower for those wo do wait) : so first of all sex before marraige,, everyone kinda aknowledges that this is biblically incorrect. but....the bible clearly says in Matthew 5:28 that any man who looks lustfully at a woman has comitted adultry in his heart. Okay...i think it's hard enough to stay pure (especially for guys from what i hear-which is also why this statement was said to males..) in thought OUTSIDE of dating relationships. But dating makes us that much more vunerable to that temptation! So accountability is 100% nessicary in this area- dating wasn't around in Jesus' time all that much and i think they were lucky in that we've heaved so much temptation onto our own lives. So be accountable...have a couple people who you do talk too...I started this thing back when i was in a relationship with a guy where i write down letters to my future husband every day. I actually described every time i felt i had sinned in this area...that in itself held me accountable because i didn't want to write it and have to have the poor guy read it one day. I want to give my future husband all of me.

3) Breakups....(sighs) comes with it's own form of accountability. Let me start off by saying that i don't think it's the way God intended us to be. There is no verse saying this because in Jesus' day and in his culture dating didn't really occur, so though i cannot say it is flat out wrong i still don't think it's ideal based on biblical concepts. So often God talks about us being the body of Christ, reconciliation, and growing deeper in our relationships with other Christians. Breaking up kinda feels like the opposite: it's so easy to create divisions, friendships are lost, and it is a huge temptation to be bitter at times. i'm not saying that you should stay in unhealthy realtionships....it is still better to break up before marriage than after. but please realize that breakups have the power to hurt us profoundly because they rip relationships, friendships apart...and you might say "nah i'm still friends with my ex" but really, if you had a deep romantic relationship, than your friendship probably changed if it's going to be a permanent breakup- it should change because your not dating anymore. I mean why breakup if your relationship isn't going to change?? Instead of being unified through Christ, we distance ourselves from that person. We decide a problem is too big to completely reconcile. So a) I don't think it's as God intention- the fact that everyone feels the scars and it feels so wrong. We were made to do reconciliation. That's why breakups are so hard. We want to just fix it and not distance ourselves- we were made to get closer to people continually in a deeper way, not distance ourselves from the people we care most about. though it is a better option than marrying the wrong person, I just don't think our system of dating...which kinda forces breakups (the majority of people do breakup at least a couple of times)...is 100% perfect b) we must keep ourselves accountable against bitterness in these situations!

4) Dating encourages us to look to our feelings instead of truths and real love. Guess what? feelings change. one day i feel happy, the next sad. one day i feel excited, the next bored. Love is more than a feeling and if you believe differently none of your relationships will last forever- certainly a marriage won't. John 15:13 says "greater love has no one than this: that he would lay his life down for his friend" That is no feeling! 1st corinthians famous love passage says "Love is patient, love is kind. it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. It always protects, always trusts, and always perserveres" Whoa! personally I'd be way more impressed by a guy who truly loves me: who's not self seeking- by a man who would lay down my life for me and i would do the same for him- than a guy who gives me flowers calls me pretty and wants to marry me because "it feels right". I think this is the reason why our divorce rate is so high. "BUT CHRISTY CHRISTY! I'm DATING BUT LOOKING FOR TRUE SACRIFICIAL LOVE..IT"S POSSIBLE" Good on you, I agree it is possible! You are wise if you manage to look for a deep love like this....and you have managed to fight out a culture telling you that a huge wedding, a more extravagant engagement ring, more flowers or feeling right (or being completely compatible or different or whatever) is the key to love. but let me tell you...it is hard to beat out all the messages people tell you in culture. And we again, often need accountability in these areas. See the truth is guys, marraige isn't about feelings....I know people think that's nessicary..but what's important is the substance..the passion will grow out of that but not visa versa. I conclude not by saying that dating is wrong, but that it does come with it's own challenges and problems and that we NEED to stay accountable. I also come realize that there are some pros to arranged marraiges. Yes they can lead to unhealthy situations especially if the person who is arranging them is not doing so with good intentions. But if my parents were to choose a person they wouldn't choose some abusive guy who was rich but had no character. They would look at my strengths, weaknesses, ethics, dreams and goals and try to match it to a lovely guy...they would be objective enough not to be blind or justify obvious faults. I think we need to see that we don't have THE way without any faults, we have a way with pros and cons just like any other way.